Realisation, Shrouds of Cloud, and More Figuring Things Out..

So anyway, although i am a little pacified now, the one thing that is unquestionably true is that i was stupid. I mean seriously...i don't know why i didn't see it before. Could it be that i was just young? Or just cunningly blinded?

I can't help but beat myself up over it even though i was told that i was being too hard on myself. But seriously...???

*sigh*!!!

Oh well...tough shit i guess.

Anyways, on another note, my "writer's block" is gone now haha (i know 2 people who would laugh at this :)). It's great to be blogging again even if i talk shit half (if not all!!) the time.

So peeps, it's great to be back!!!

For the moment....

I am in I SO LA TION

Luggage Laden

Something made me think about people and the emotional baggage they carry with them. You know how people say you shouldn’t enter into a relationship if you’ve carrying this burdensome luggage with you? Why is it that we never hear anything about what to do when you realise you’ve got a baggage after being really and truly in a relationship?

*sigh*

I think I’m there…the latter bit I mean. It’s weird how I was “fine”, “fine” and always “fine” and something happened yesterday that made me stop and think. It probably wasn’t the incident per se; rather how I reacted to it, what made me question it, the questions I asked myself..even the fact that I stopped while all these things were going through my mind is an indication enough…I’m a baggage lady.

So what do I do now? Part of me is absolutely adamant that I will not be humiliated as I was. That part now has “skeptic” written all over it. That part refuses to be the naïve person I once was, has hardened a little and will not believe in believing.

Why do I get the impression I’m suddenly faced with new demons to battle? And why is it I feel like I’m waayyy too tired to start fighting again..? When you do something for the good of something else, will you really be able to tell at the end of it what was it you were fighting for?

Or is that just the loss of rose-tinted glass talking?

I don’t know, maybe I’m just bored and tired of dealing with the same thing over and over.

Maybe I wish the next phase will come soon.

Blah...

...is probably the best word that would describe me right now. I can't seem to muster enough energy or emotion to suit any occasion..

It sometimes feels as if the walls are closing in. To be honest, i don't think my "hassles" are any bigger than the next person, i think i'm just shit at dealing with it.

But anyway, as i've mentioned not long ago, i'm convinced i'm going through a mid-life crisis. And i'm sure there's a reason some people go through it so much earlier in life...

Why is it that mid-life is assumed to be at your 50's?

So...i'm off to Thailand tomorrow yeay!!! Can't wait to bask in the sun with the surrounding sound of waves crashing.

Hopefully that'll get me out of where i am now.

Later peeps :)

Secrets and Lies

I'm still wondering whether i like walking around without a veil over my eyes. Is it better to see without them? Don't we all just love that idealistic-naive-rose-tinted world that we live in?

What does it mean to be jaded, cynical or just plain tired?

How does it feel to learn that you are unable to forgive, unable to forget?

Why is it that even with all this, i find within myself a sense of relief?

Whatevers...

I feel most myself and contented when i'm either:

- happy, chatty, talk too much
- seemingly lost in my reverie, when in actual fact i'm not thinking, not contemplating, not judging...

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A wise Buddhist monk once told the story of a mother and her teenage daughter who came to seek advice from him. The teenager was suffering from anorexia and no amount of cajoling, threat, therapy or drugs seemed to help.

The monk decided to try regression hypnosis on the daughter. The Buddhists believe that your suffering in this life may stem from something unresolved or perhaps by some misdeed that you committed in a past life. The concept of karma is at the heart of Buddhism.

During the regression hypnosis the daughter told the story of how, once upon a time, she was the ugly younger sister of a family with two female siblings. One day the siblings fell in love with the same man.

The man chose to be with the older sister which led to the younger girl's utter heart break, and ultimately to taking her own life.

The mother, who's been listening this started crying. When she was asked why by the monk she said that there was something which she never told anyone...she was too ashamed to.

She then told of how she once had a younger sister, and one day they both fell in love with the same man. He is the husband she was with today, but she lost her younger sister when she took her own life.

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Prologue

"Before we get too caught up preparing to welcome the new year with much fanfare, it would do every one of us good to pause albeit briefly for some vital self-reflection."