Hard Lessons...

Read N's blog today about our friend...reminded me of something.

Last week, as hard as i tried, i was unable to find any meaning, lesson, or even a reason behind the tragedy. All i could comprehend were disbelief, sadness, and utter denial.

All around me people were saying how this incomprehensible event teaches us about the value of life, the reality of our own mortality.

And all i could do was stare at them, thinking that one of these valuable lessons should start dawning or materializing itself in my already too clouded and addled brain.

But none of it did.

So yes, my grief is simple. One could say it's almost textbook.

But recently, there's been an insistent voice trying to tell me something. I can't quite put my finger on it yet. It's like I'm feeling my way in the dark, hands grasping for a right hold at the edge of my consciousness.

Maybe she's finished all that she was put here to accomplish. Maybe she's taught those she was supposed to, learned all she was supposed to.

But it's still sometimes so hard to believe that someone so good could be taken away so quickly...

So yes, like N said, we'll keep forever all the good memories we've shared with her. And we'll continue missing her.

And we'll continue to learn from her.

Hasnih Jamaluddin...

9th November 2008, Sunday...


Was when you left us for a better place.

I hope you know what an impact you've made in the lives of everyone who knew you.

How much tears were shed from the thought of you not being there anymore, and how much we'll miss you.

How much it'll hurt even more once we've come to accept the fact that you're gone.

We'll always have you in our hearts. We will always wonder why you were taken from us so soon. And we will always miss your presence with the realization that things are not the same without you. We are not the same without you.

Maybe you were just too good for this world.

May your soul rest in eternal peace.

To Be or Not to Be...asked my tresses...

I had a dream that i was in the shower with my hair in a ponytail. As i was running my hand through my hair to get water through, the ponytail came off in my hand!!

Imagine that you had your hair in a ponytail, and someone takes a pair of scissors and cut it off, just below the hairband level...that was exactly what it was like.

My feelings of absolute horror sort of abated when i glanced in the mirror and realised that i didn't look THAT bad...in fact, i looked pretty good..haha..

Anyway, check this out..

Hair Falling Out
Since hair is commonly associated with power, dreaming of losing hair is often an indicator that we feel like our energy is being drained away. Like tooth loss dreams there is often an accompanying feeling of helplessness that comes with dreams of hair loss. And like tooth loss dreams, hair loss dreams may point to feeling powerless to change a situation. If you dream of losing hair, look at your life and see if there are relationships or situations which are energy drainers.

Hmmm...interesting...can't find anything to interpret the 360 turn in perception though...

So Misunderstood....

Men will never understand PMS. I think you shouldn't even bother trying. And saying things like "is it the period" does NOT denote understanding or sympathy, it denotes stupidity and ignorance.

All you need to do is be understanding and patient. You need to constantly be on the pacifying mode instead of on the defensive. You will NEVER understand the mood swings and the feeling that no one is ever there for you. You also don't seem to understand that we don't enjoy switching between the nice normal us and the psychotic monster in what seemed to be every other second.

We can be there for you any other times but for the one week a month where we're at our worst, please understand that we become selfish and perhaps a little self-centered. Maybe all our feelings of stress and frustration - feelings that we normally bottle-up and keep to ourselves so we don't burden anyone else - unleash itself. Maybe it's just nature's way of allowing ourselves to release all these pent-up feelings.

Afterall, PMS enhances emotions.

So please just be there. Maybe it'll just help if you understand that we work differently...

FRUS TRA TIONNNNNN...

I think this explains how i'm feeling more than words could.


And i need this...

Pee Am Ass...

Yes...we all go through it. Once you're born female, you're screwed. Once we reach puberty, our bodies have just set ourselves up for a monthly cycle of bitching and complaining. I mean seriously, i was reading somewhere that stress does not cause PMS but makes it worse somehow. I think when you're PMS-ing, you become completely intolerant to any amount of stress.

And not to mention stupid people.

And another thing i've noticed; i get really clumsy that time of the month...anyone else notice that? Clumsier than usual that is...

Here's an excerpt of something i found on the net..

What are the symptoms of PMS?

PMS often includes both physical and emotional symptoms. Common symptoms are:

• acne
• breast swelling and tenderness
• feeling tired
• having trouble sleeping
• upset stomach, bloating, constipation, or diarrhea
• headache or backache
• appetite changes or food cravings
• joint or muscle pain
• trouble concentrating or remembering
• tension, irritability, mood swings, or crying spells

• anxiety or depression

Enough to make you feel thankful to be male right? I mean seriously, how can we NOT be moody??? With all these things weighing your body...LITERALLY???

And even worse, i find that when i'm PMS-ing (which is synonym with "stressing") i find retail therapy extremely comforting...maybe too much. Maybe at too high a cost (no pun intended). And so, it's not only me who goes on these shopping jaunts, but my credit cards come with me as well (notice the plural on "cards").

And so yesterday, i decided to end the life of one of my plastics. Mind you, it's one that i got for free, pre-approved. I thought what the hell, all it's gonna do is scream at me to be used one day anyway, when i'm at my most vulnerable.

So i went to the bank and was directed to see the person at one of the counters...and was served by a well-dressed, well spoken man:

Man: Morning miss, what can i do for you?

Me: (Took out my empty credit card statement i received a few weeks ago) Yes, i've got a statement here for a credit card i did not activate and planned to use, and now i'd like to cancel it please.

Man: (typing into his computer) But you have our platinum card right?

Me: (*gasp* i have a PLATINUM card????..then it clicked) Oh yeah i do, but that's only a supplementary.

Man: Yes that's right. So, you want to cancel this card?

Me: (*gulp*) Yes i do.

Man: Have you got the credit card with you now?

Me: (rummaging through my bag for my wallet) Here it is.

Man: (proceeded to pick up a pair of very sharp looking scissors) May i cut this card?

Me: (*gulp* again) Yes please (i think i stuttered a little but i'm not sure)

Man: 1) (cuts my heart in 3 little pieces)
2) The not so dramatic version: (cuts the goddamn-life-destroying plastic in 3 satisfying pieces. I hope it burns in eternal plastic hell.)

Me: Thank you

Man: Anything else i can do for you?

Me: (GIVE ME ANOTHER ONE!! PATCH THAT CARD BACK TOGETHER!!!) No thanks.

After that, i went back to the office. With the momentum still going, i called up another bank, and asked to cancel that card as well.

But let's save that story for another day.

Super...

It's the end of the first day back at work after the weekend. I love that end of the day feeling; when the office is quiet and you find yourself being able to think clearly and not have to do a million things at once.

Although to be fair, i wouldn't want to be here when everyone's gone..this place gets really eerie when it's empty. Maybe it's the fact that i'm used to the noises in the office; the clicking of people's fingers tapping away at the keyboards, sound of phones ringing, people talking (sometimes too loudly), papers rustling, footsteps coming in and out of the door....

Or maybe it's the countless ghost stories and apparent citing that get me spooked when it's too quiet...

But whatever it is, this is the time when i actually get proper work done. Half the time i think we're just continuously rushing to finish one task after the other. But at times like these......

I get to blog for example. And maybe surf the net...and check out Facebook..........

Talking about FB, i came in this morning, took a sneaky peek in FB and saw that one of our SMs has added me as a friend!!! You can just imagine my surprise!!!

I mean ok, fair enough, we've had a workshop together and were in the same team when we broke up into smaller groups, and ok, i've spoken to him on the phone a couple of times and we've done the whole work emails thingy to one another, but as a friend in FB??? Seriously????

You know when people say don't mix business with pleasure, i'm sure this is what they meant. We've all interpreted it wrongly in thinking that they were talking about having affairs with co-workers. What they actually meant was; don't mix things like FB (where you post stupid stuff and say stupid things and post pictures of you holding a champagne flute or a ciggie in your hand) with people at work who are obviously all religious and stuff and who could potentially be your boss one day!!!!!!!

So what the hell do i do now? It'd be really rude if i don't and yet there's no way that i will!!! Yikes!!!

As they say, fucked if you do, fucked if you don't....

Darn it...