Hard Lessons...

Read N's blog today about our friend...reminded me of something.

Last week, as hard as i tried, i was unable to find any meaning, lesson, or even a reason behind the tragedy. All i could comprehend were disbelief, sadness, and utter denial.

All around me people were saying how this incomprehensible event teaches us about the value of life, the reality of our own mortality.

And all i could do was stare at them, thinking that one of these valuable lessons should start dawning or materializing itself in my already too clouded and addled brain.

But none of it did.

So yes, my grief is simple. One could say it's almost textbook.

But recently, there's been an insistent voice trying to tell me something. I can't quite put my finger on it yet. It's like I'm feeling my way in the dark, hands grasping for a right hold at the edge of my consciousness.

Maybe she's finished all that she was put here to accomplish. Maybe she's taught those she was supposed to, learned all she was supposed to.

But it's still sometimes so hard to believe that someone so good could be taken away so quickly...

So yes, like N said, we'll keep forever all the good memories we've shared with her. And we'll continue missing her.

And we'll continue to learn from her.

Hasnih Jamaluddin...

9th November 2008, Sunday...


Was when you left us for a better place.

I hope you know what an impact you've made in the lives of everyone who knew you.

How much tears were shed from the thought of you not being there anymore, and how much we'll miss you.

How much it'll hurt even more once we've come to accept the fact that you're gone.

We'll always have you in our hearts. We will always wonder why you were taken from us so soon. And we will always miss your presence with the realization that things are not the same without you. We are not the same without you.

Maybe you were just too good for this world.

May your soul rest in eternal peace.

To Be or Not to Be...asked my tresses...

I had a dream that i was in the shower with my hair in a ponytail. As i was running my hand through my hair to get water through, the ponytail came off in my hand!!

Imagine that you had your hair in a ponytail, and someone takes a pair of scissors and cut it off, just below the hairband level...that was exactly what it was like.

My feelings of absolute horror sort of abated when i glanced in the mirror and realised that i didn't look THAT bad...in fact, i looked pretty good..haha..

Anyway, check this out..

Hair Falling Out
Since hair is commonly associated with power, dreaming of losing hair is often an indicator that we feel like our energy is being drained away. Like tooth loss dreams there is often an accompanying feeling of helplessness that comes with dreams of hair loss. And like tooth loss dreams, hair loss dreams may point to feeling powerless to change a situation. If you dream of losing hair, look at your life and see if there are relationships or situations which are energy drainers.

Hmmm...interesting...can't find anything to interpret the 360 turn in perception though...

So Misunderstood....

Men will never understand PMS. I think you shouldn't even bother trying. And saying things like "is it the period" does NOT denote understanding or sympathy, it denotes stupidity and ignorance.

All you need to do is be understanding and patient. You need to constantly be on the pacifying mode instead of on the defensive. You will NEVER understand the mood swings and the feeling that no one is ever there for you. You also don't seem to understand that we don't enjoy switching between the nice normal us and the psychotic monster in what seemed to be every other second.

We can be there for you any other times but for the one week a month where we're at our worst, please understand that we become selfish and perhaps a little self-centered. Maybe all our feelings of stress and frustration - feelings that we normally bottle-up and keep to ourselves so we don't burden anyone else - unleash itself. Maybe it's just nature's way of allowing ourselves to release all these pent-up feelings.

Afterall, PMS enhances emotions.

So please just be there. Maybe it'll just help if you understand that we work differently...

FRUS TRA TIONNNNNN...

I think this explains how i'm feeling more than words could.


And i need this...

Pee Am Ass...

Yes...we all go through it. Once you're born female, you're screwed. Once we reach puberty, our bodies have just set ourselves up for a monthly cycle of bitching and complaining. I mean seriously, i was reading somewhere that stress does not cause PMS but makes it worse somehow. I think when you're PMS-ing, you become completely intolerant to any amount of stress.

And not to mention stupid people.

And another thing i've noticed; i get really clumsy that time of the month...anyone else notice that? Clumsier than usual that is...

Here's an excerpt of something i found on the net..

What are the symptoms of PMS?

PMS often includes both physical and emotional symptoms. Common symptoms are:

• acne
• breast swelling and tenderness
• feeling tired
• having trouble sleeping
• upset stomach, bloating, constipation, or diarrhea
• headache or backache
• appetite changes or food cravings
• joint or muscle pain
• trouble concentrating or remembering
• tension, irritability, mood swings, or crying spells

• anxiety or depression

Enough to make you feel thankful to be male right? I mean seriously, how can we NOT be moody??? With all these things weighing your body...LITERALLY???

And even worse, i find that when i'm PMS-ing (which is synonym with "stressing") i find retail therapy extremely comforting...maybe too much. Maybe at too high a cost (no pun intended). And so, it's not only me who goes on these shopping jaunts, but my credit cards come with me as well (notice the plural on "cards").

And so yesterday, i decided to end the life of one of my plastics. Mind you, it's one that i got for free, pre-approved. I thought what the hell, all it's gonna do is scream at me to be used one day anyway, when i'm at my most vulnerable.

So i went to the bank and was directed to see the person at one of the counters...and was served by a well-dressed, well spoken man:

Man: Morning miss, what can i do for you?

Me: (Took out my empty credit card statement i received a few weeks ago) Yes, i've got a statement here for a credit card i did not activate and planned to use, and now i'd like to cancel it please.

Man: (typing into his computer) But you have our platinum card right?

Me: (*gasp* i have a PLATINUM card????..then it clicked) Oh yeah i do, but that's only a supplementary.

Man: Yes that's right. So, you want to cancel this card?

Me: (*gulp*) Yes i do.

Man: Have you got the credit card with you now?

Me: (rummaging through my bag for my wallet) Here it is.

Man: (proceeded to pick up a pair of very sharp looking scissors) May i cut this card?

Me: (*gulp* again) Yes please (i think i stuttered a little but i'm not sure)

Man: 1) (cuts my heart in 3 little pieces)
2) The not so dramatic version: (cuts the goddamn-life-destroying plastic in 3 satisfying pieces. I hope it burns in eternal plastic hell.)

Me: Thank you

Man: Anything else i can do for you?

Me: (GIVE ME ANOTHER ONE!! PATCH THAT CARD BACK TOGETHER!!!) No thanks.

After that, i went back to the office. With the momentum still going, i called up another bank, and asked to cancel that card as well.

But let's save that story for another day.

Super...

It's the end of the first day back at work after the weekend. I love that end of the day feeling; when the office is quiet and you find yourself being able to think clearly and not have to do a million things at once.

Although to be fair, i wouldn't want to be here when everyone's gone..this place gets really eerie when it's empty. Maybe it's the fact that i'm used to the noises in the office; the clicking of people's fingers tapping away at the keyboards, sound of phones ringing, people talking (sometimes too loudly), papers rustling, footsteps coming in and out of the door....

Or maybe it's the countless ghost stories and apparent citing that get me spooked when it's too quiet...

But whatever it is, this is the time when i actually get proper work done. Half the time i think we're just continuously rushing to finish one task after the other. But at times like these......

I get to blog for example. And maybe surf the net...and check out Facebook..........

Talking about FB, i came in this morning, took a sneaky peek in FB and saw that one of our SMs has added me as a friend!!! You can just imagine my surprise!!!

I mean ok, fair enough, we've had a workshop together and were in the same team when we broke up into smaller groups, and ok, i've spoken to him on the phone a couple of times and we've done the whole work emails thingy to one another, but as a friend in FB??? Seriously????

You know when people say don't mix business with pleasure, i'm sure this is what they meant. We've all interpreted it wrongly in thinking that they were talking about having affairs with co-workers. What they actually meant was; don't mix things like FB (where you post stupid stuff and say stupid things and post pictures of you holding a champagne flute or a ciggie in your hand) with people at work who are obviously all religious and stuff and who could potentially be your boss one day!!!!!!!

So what the hell do i do now? It'd be really rude if i don't and yet there's no way that i will!!! Yikes!!!

As they say, fucked if you do, fucked if you don't....

Darn it...

Post of Posts...

I swear i'm useless...ive started so many posts and never seem to be able to finish them. I either run out of steam or i get distracted by something or worst yet...i forget...yikes!!!

I wonder if i'm starting to get forgetful...hmmm...i wonder if that's a sign of getting old. Or maybe i've always been absent-minded but it was ok when you were younger because things didn't seem to matter much back then.

I wonder if that is why SF moans so much. Oh no...he does that because i'm a slob haha. I planned on saying something about him moaning so much at me on my FB's status but he made me sort of promise that i won't do it. So i said ok (and thought to myself, i'll blog it instead).

All in jest though.

The topic of being elsewhere came up in a conversation yesterday. And someone mentioned that being overseas makes for a better life. Things are easier and there's not so much red tape. I was even advised to move overseas for 9 months if i ever get pregnant and have my baby there!!!

All i can say is, if you're not happy here, then move. Don't get someone else to do it on your behalf. And don't keep moaning about it.

I don't know if KL is my home, and i don't know where i'll end up. But i do know this; at the moment, this is where i choose to be. Of course like everywhere else, there are the pros and cons to a place. And like everything else, you being happy or not is down to you and you only.

I mean of course, i moan all the time. But i don't keep telling people how much i hate being here. And i don't keep telling people that they should move and live somewhere else.

Sigh...why is this starting to sound like a moany blog...??? I guess i'm just venting. I was so annoyed last night that i gave the impression of having swallowed a dictionary of swear-words (won't it be nice if there were such a thing??).

Ok enough. Anyway, below i've posted a very interesting blog post from our ex PM... *ouch*

Cuti-Cuti Malaysia

1. There are only 365 days in a year. Take away 104 days of Saturdays and Sundays weekends and we have left 261 working days. But Malaysia is multi-religious and we must not work during Raya, Chinese New Year and Deepavali. But we must also not work on Wesak Day, Taipusam, Christmas, New Year, Federal Territory Day, various Muslim holy days and I do not know what else.

2. But we must not work on by-election polling day also. Then there is the Agong's Birthday and the birthdays of all the Sultans and Governors.

3. We seem to find more reason for not working. If the holiday falls on a weekend, then have a long vacation beginning the day before Saturday and the day after Sunday - four days in all.

4. I love all these. Kuala Lumpur is cleaner when people leave the city for balik kampong on Raya and Chinese New Year. It is exhilarating to drive on streets which are almost deserted.

5. But I ask myself are people like me, a pensioner being paid and not working? Or is the country on automatic - administering itself? Or is it that there really is not much work to do that we can close up for one-third of the year?

6. We are still a developing country. Developing requires work. Rich developed countries can afford not to work. August holidays see the cities like Paris and London bereft of traffic.

7. I believe, but I may be wrong, that when you are trying to catch up with someone running ahead of you, you must run faster than him. We have this great ambition to become a developed country. If we move slower than our objective can we catch up? I think we cannot.

8. A developed country today and a developed country in 2020 is not the same. In 2020 it will be far more advanced and richer than in 2008. The developed status is not static. It is moving.

9. Even if it seem to be growing slowly percentage-wise, but its one percent is bigger than our 5 or 6 percent. Our base is lower. To catch up we must really grow faster.

10. Can we grow faster by not working? I think not.

11. Lets look at the implication of having holidays. If workers have to work on holidays they have to be paid twice their daily wage. If they work beyond working hours they have to be paid four times their wages. And many industries just cannot stop operating.

12. All these add up to higher cost of production and therefore we will be less competitive. For a trading nation which depends on exporting goods, raw material and services, the cost of our exports is important. We will not be competitive especially against low-wage countries. But not to worry. The Government will make us competitive by withdrawing subsidies and giving them back again under different headings in the budget or off-budget.

13. Its a bit early but I would like to wish everyone Happy Hari Raya. Please drive slowly. We want you to come back after a very relaxing 4 - 5 days holiday. Do not worry about unfinished work. It can take care of itself.

P.S. I think the Government and the private sector should consider retreats. It's not a holiday of course but comes very close to a holiday. Besides you can become a savvy agriculturist.

Painful Mondays...

This was actually written on Monday evening but due to severe Monday blues, was only completed on Tuesday..

Omg i can't believe how severe my Monday blues is today. I mean seriously...i thought it was only one of those things you suffer from if say..you had a really big weekend (i.e. too much to drink which resulted in you either behaving like a drunken idiot or spending the night praying to the porcelain god), or have had a long weekend which began with you managing to convince yourself that you don't have to work for at least another week or so (in reality, 3 days).

But here i am, with a terrible case of it and i didn't even go out last weekend! (mine is usually due to the first reason). All i did was went to my parents for a barbecue dinner (they bought the smallest pit in the world which amazingly enough, not only cooks for 7, but they tasted awfully yummy as well), went furniture shopping (why does this particular chore seem to last forever??), and spending the rest of the time thinking about the green-slip-pink-slip question.

Aaahhh...green slip pink slip...that is the question. But i won't go into that right now just in case the donkey police are monitoring blogs.

So anyway, it had been awhile since i've updated my blog. I'm not sure if that's because i've run out of things to say, or i've got so much that i feel tired just thinking about blogging them all.

Anyways, i'll stop here. Will moan again soon.

Realisation, Shrouds of Cloud, and More Figuring Things Out..

So anyway, although i am a little pacified now, the one thing that is unquestionably true is that i was stupid. I mean seriously...i don't know why i didn't see it before. Could it be that i was just young? Or just cunningly blinded?

I can't help but beat myself up over it even though i was told that i was being too hard on myself. But seriously...???

*sigh*!!!

Oh well...tough shit i guess.

Anyways, on another note, my "writer's block" is gone now haha (i know 2 people who would laugh at this :)). It's great to be blogging again even if i talk shit half (if not all!!) the time.

So peeps, it's great to be back!!!

For the moment....

I am in I SO LA TION

Luggage Laden

Something made me think about people and the emotional baggage they carry with them. You know how people say you shouldn’t enter into a relationship if you’ve carrying this burdensome luggage with you? Why is it that we never hear anything about what to do when you realise you’ve got a baggage after being really and truly in a relationship?

*sigh*

I think I’m there…the latter bit I mean. It’s weird how I was “fine”, “fine” and always “fine” and something happened yesterday that made me stop and think. It probably wasn’t the incident per se; rather how I reacted to it, what made me question it, the questions I asked myself..even the fact that I stopped while all these things were going through my mind is an indication enough…I’m a baggage lady.

So what do I do now? Part of me is absolutely adamant that I will not be humiliated as I was. That part now has “skeptic” written all over it. That part refuses to be the naïve person I once was, has hardened a little and will not believe in believing.

Why do I get the impression I’m suddenly faced with new demons to battle? And why is it I feel like I’m waayyy too tired to start fighting again..? When you do something for the good of something else, will you really be able to tell at the end of it what was it you were fighting for?

Or is that just the loss of rose-tinted glass talking?

I don’t know, maybe I’m just bored and tired of dealing with the same thing over and over.

Maybe I wish the next phase will come soon.

Blah...

...is probably the best word that would describe me right now. I can't seem to muster enough energy or emotion to suit any occasion..

It sometimes feels as if the walls are closing in. To be honest, i don't think my "hassles" are any bigger than the next person, i think i'm just shit at dealing with it.

But anyway, as i've mentioned not long ago, i'm convinced i'm going through a mid-life crisis. And i'm sure there's a reason some people go through it so much earlier in life...

Why is it that mid-life is assumed to be at your 50's?

So...i'm off to Thailand tomorrow yeay!!! Can't wait to bask in the sun with the surrounding sound of waves crashing.

Hopefully that'll get me out of where i am now.

Later peeps :)

Secrets and Lies

I'm still wondering whether i like walking around without a veil over my eyes. Is it better to see without them? Don't we all just love that idealistic-naive-rose-tinted world that we live in?

What does it mean to be jaded, cynical or just plain tired?

How does it feel to learn that you are unable to forgive, unable to forget?

Why is it that even with all this, i find within myself a sense of relief?

Whatevers...

I feel most myself and contented when i'm either:

- happy, chatty, talk too much
- seemingly lost in my reverie, when in actual fact i'm not thinking, not contemplating, not judging...

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A wise Buddhist monk once told the story of a mother and her teenage daughter who came to seek advice from him. The teenager was suffering from anorexia and no amount of cajoling, threat, therapy or drugs seemed to help.

The monk decided to try regression hypnosis on the daughter. The Buddhists believe that your suffering in this life may stem from something unresolved or perhaps by some misdeed that you committed in a past life. The concept of karma is at the heart of Buddhism.

During the regression hypnosis the daughter told the story of how, once upon a time, she was the ugly younger sister of a family with two female siblings. One day the siblings fell in love with the same man.

The man chose to be with the older sister which led to the younger girl's utter heart break, and ultimately to taking her own life.

The mother, who's been listening this started crying. When she was asked why by the monk she said that there was something which she never told anyone...she was too ashamed to.

She then told of how she once had a younger sister, and one day they both fell in love with the same man. He is the husband she was with today, but she lost her younger sister when she took her own life.

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Prologue

"Before we get too caught up preparing to welcome the new year with much fanfare, it would do every one of us good to pause albeit briefly for some vital self-reflection."